I’m getting my resume together. One calls it one’s curriculum vitae when one is being learned (and that’s when one pronounces “learned” with two syllables).

Now, why in the world would a slightly burned out, but still successful, middle-aged, small-town optometrist write a resume? Well, there are several reasons:

1. Obamacare. We all thought that three “Os” were enough, right? Nope. Now we have the biggest “O” of all. But nobody can decide what the newest “O” on the block means. Will it lead to more patients? Will it lead to lower fees? Will it remove ring around the collar? Nobody knows. I may need to work for a living soon. Maybe they need a new greeter at a big mart store somewhere.

2. I have grandchildren. One of the things I loved about raising my own children in West Virginia was that they built relationships with their grandparents and extended family members. Now, my family is in Texas, California, Ohio...everywhere but here. I would kinda like to know my grandchildren before they start texting me for money.

3. Technology. Will you guys stop inventing new stuff? You’re driving me nuts with all the eye analyzers, teardrop measurers, scleral assassinators, and on and on. Phoropters that make espresso? Ophthalmoscopes that roam Mars? Contact lenses that heal the lame? Stereogastronomiciridofascialfrieswiththatliftandseparators? OK, I did buy one of those. Didn’t you? Hire me and I’ll bring my own to work every day.

4. Sleep aids. I love the commercial that tells you to take a pill so you can sleep and/or commit suicide or, if you’re lucky, homicide. Maybe if I did not have to pay a late lab bill one month it would work just as well and nobody would have to die for me to rest easy. As my friend Dr. Nibert once asked, “How much of a pay cut would you take to not have to hire, fire, deal with insurance, and pay bills?” Of course, my wife does all that, not me. No wonder she hasn’t slept since we hired her. Remind me to hide the shotgun.

5. Bill Gates. It’s all his fault. He’s the one who convinced us that we should do nothing except pound on computers all day. Unfortunately, there is no career in the world that can free you of doing just that. Surely there is one career out there where you don’t have to call an I.T. guy twice a day with what he feels is the dumbest question he has ever heard, while he is simultaneously being paid $180 an hour because you are an idiot.

6. The lottery. Turns out my retirement plan, which seemed so smart 32 years ago, just never seems to gain ground. I thought Amalgamated Dirt would be huge by now. So, I have gone to plan B: Powerball. I keep getting closer to winning, and by “closer” I mean I got one number right one time about six months ago. I’ve analyzed the situation and am pleased to tell you that I will finally retire when I am 99 years old.

Until then, I still do love optometry. All I need is some enterprising young doctor to hire me for the looooooonnnnngggg haul.

So, I’m writing my resume. All you have to do is pay me a huge six-figure salary while I work 20 hours a week (no weekends, no computers) and all of my many, many years of experience is at your disposal. Oh, is it OK if I bring my grandchildren to work every day? Thanks! You are the best (i.e., only) employer I have ever had!