When I aimlessly wander the conference halls at CE meetings—mostly to find breakfast muffins and Diet Coke (they cancel each other out)—I am invariably recognized by a few colleagues. This is a great compliment, except in cases when they think I am Jerry Lewis.  

The conversation often goes a little like this:

“You look really familiar. Are you that guy?” And I answer, “Yes, you got it. I invented meibomitis!”   

When they realize the comedic brilliance of my response a few hours later, they want to tell me something funny I should use in my column. I love it. I also love colonoscopies, so… Nonetheless, I want to honor those courageous enough to pipe up by presenting to you a few of my favorite comments given to me by my fellow docs: 

Mom’s glasses. An OD told me his mom never wants to wear her glasses because, as she constantly reminds him, they make her eyes “look baggy.” So, when he delivers her new glasses, he always brings them in a baggie. She never gets the joke, but we do. 

Who’s your doctor? All of us have been asked this question somewhere along the line. This doctor always answers, “My dog’s vet.”

Then don’t do that! The patient said, “When I turn my eyes to the left I always see things.”

Time to relocate. “When we moved across the country, your office was further away.”

New patient wishes. “I saw this woman in Florida, and I want those same exact glasses.”

Meow. “Do you have those cat contact lenses?”

Implants. “If they implant a magnet in my head, will my glasses stay up better?”

Insurance. “I just want what my insurance will cover.” The doc says, “I hand them a cleaning cloth and two temples.”

Macular aversion. “My dad has macular degeneration. What can I do to avoid him?”

Cool car. “We just found out our dog has cadillacs.”

A thorough exam indeed. “Doc-tor, can you check and see if I am pregnant?”

LASIK eye. “Does LASIK have any effect on eyes?”

Phantom glasses. A patient who never got glasses tells you, “I could never wear those glasses.”

Our hours. “Are you ever open when you are closed?”

The independent type. “I don’t need glasses. I only wear them when I want to see something.”

Drops. “Have you heard of those eye drops that help your eyes burn?”

Up to you. Doctor: “Which is better? Number one or number two?” Patient: “You tell me, you’re the doctor.”

Round two. Doctor: “Which is better? Number one or number two? “Patient: “Hard to beat a good number two.”

It’s always my fault. “I never had any eye problems until I came here.”

The best no-show excuse. “I’m sorry I missed my appointment, but I had pink-eye.”

Family matters. “How come my sister can see?”

Doctors, keep them coming. Feel free to come up a say, “Howdy!” anytime you want.  

Anyone who knows me knows that I am very, very grateful that you take a moment to read “Chairside” and Review of Optometry. Have a really hilarious summer!