This afternoon, I opened a humongous cardboard shipping box that contained one uncut semi-finished polycarbonate single-vision lens. This box could have actually held about 100 of these lenses. Mine contained one lens. Oh, yes, there was an invoice, which stated that the other lens I ordered would be shipped in a separate box. This second lens arrived one hour later in its own humongous cardboard box.

Thus begins the end of life as we know it. First, we ship one lens in a huge, mostly empty box. Then another. Then comes the annihilation of the polar bears, the sinking of Key West, and, more importantly, the submersion of that islands historical bars. OH, THE HUMANITY!

In my office, we plan to stave off global destruction by simply doing our part. You can join us by following this simple 10-step plan to have a green office.

1. In our edger, we recycle our water over and over and over until it turns so mushy with plastic and other residue that we have no choice but to dump it in the yard behind our office.

2. To preserve precious resources, I only recommend new glasses when there is an undeniable change in a patients visual status, or, of course, when the old glasses start turning the patients sideburns green and slimy.

3. In my private bathroom, I conserve water by flushing only once at the end of the day. Of course, I have noticed that my staff walks in behind me and flushes every time. I dont know why.

4. To save trees, I only communicate by office e-mail. And, I am very careful to communicate by e-mail with only those who can help me get rich because there is an account in Nigeria under my name and all they want is my local bank account number to get me the cash they are saving for me. I use office e-mail for that and to forward messages that would cause me to die if I dont forward it immediately to 10 of my friends. These are clearly important.

5. I drive a car that is totally environmentally sound. OK, it only gets 10 miles per gallon, but its huge enough to tote around tons of signs we can use to protest about global warming if we want to.

6. I will no longer provide patients with fur-lined contact lens cases. We all need to work to keep PETA from marching in front of our offices. Dont you agree?

7. I turned off all air conditioners this summer. OK, Im lying. It was hot! Anyway, turning on the AC helps prevent global warming, right? Inside my house, it does.

8. We went paperless. Were all computerized. This saves trees and also keeps a multitude of tech support people well employed in India.

9. We use those curlicue fluorescent light bulbs that not only save tons of energy but produce tons of migraines for my staff. This keeps them from spending time being obnoxiously friendly, which is so very inefficient when you think about it. Pain keeps em on task.

10. No updating equipment. Every time I replace an old gizmo with a new one, the old, worthless device always ends up in a landfill. I mean, who wants a used PD ruler? To paraphrase the Green Party, Pupillometers kill!

See how easy it is to be green in your office?

Lastly, a note to my optical lab: Please stop sending me a single lens in a box thats bigger than a microwave. Now, dont misunderstand me. I still want that lens tomorrow, and youd better get it to me! Just throw something else in the box. Maybe some solar panels or something.