In my next life, I plan to (a) not retire ever, (b) be that old, cool guitar guy who mysteriously shows up at open mic nights and blows em away with my songwriting and performing, and (c) live on a boat in Key West, which my wife would hate, but shell have left me by then because of both (a) and (b).
So, if your office is in need of someone with 30 years of experience in the O.D. trenches, who blows a mean harp, and who will put your name in this column every month as he points out your every embarrassing moment, I am that doctor, doctor.
Now, its your turn. If money is no object, and you are guaranteed to be successful, what would YOU be in your next life?
Would you retire to a golf course? Would you write that novel about what an adventure it is to be an optometrist (working title: The Xanthelasma Code)? Would you invent the next most amazing contact lens case (one that dissolves contacts after two weeks)? What would you do, doctor?
Optometrists are versatile. We could fit in almost anywhere and contribute something. This opens the door for us to be successful at nearly anything and everything. Look at your talents and think of all the vocations and avocations in which you could participate in your next life:
Talent #1: Putting on nose pads means we could easily thread needles, tie flies, pierce ears and noses, collect butterflies, build flea circuses, and give tattoos.
Talent #2: Schmoozing all day means that we could easily sell reverse mortgages, be on The View or Dr. Phil, be a televangelist, date Bea Arthur, and also give tattoos.
Talent #3: Understanding optics means that we could easily run a two-pairs-for-$10 sunglasses booth at the county fair, clean windshields at stoplights, or write an article in Martha Stewarts magazine about how to turn old milk bottles into stylish safety side shields.
Talent #4: Flipping phoropter dials means that we could easily be the guy with the stop/slow sign out where they are mowing beside the back road, become the absolute champ at tiddlywinks, invent new dance steps when disco comes back (doin the cross cylinder!), and judge the sizes of watermelons with our eyes closed.
Talent #5: Removing foreign bodies means we could easily win that Operation game, invent the worlds smallest graffiti, and floss with aplomb.
Talent #6: Multitasking means that we could easily hang out with Lindsey Lohan (but whod wanna do that?), be an optometric assistant (but whod wanna do that?), keep my mother out of trouble (but whod wanna do that?), or direct an Oscar-winning movie in which Lindsay Lohan and my mother play optometric assistants (OK, THAT sounds interesting!).
As you can see, our options are many. And, these are just a few.
It is time you understand that, as of your first breath, every move you make, every vow you break, and every bite of cheesecake is permanently entwined in your EXIT STRATEGY.
Retirement? Keep it up with the cheesecake and the ol myocardial infarct will come way before you have to worry about that!
A new career? Now THATS the ticket. And, if you hire me to some beachfront office in the islands, I promise that I will be one of the top four finest middle-aged O.D.s hailing from St. Albans, W.Va., that you could ever hireand the other three will be forever in your debt for getting me out of town.
