I apologize for writing so much about toilets. But any doctor who’s been in practice for more than a month understands that a properly functioning toilet (or three) is as crucial to success in optometry as a slit lamp. Don’t believe me? Just stay in practice a while longer and, behold the power of your toilet!

I’ve learned a few things along the way that can be of help. Please read on and you’ll continue to have a career in optometry. Throw this away and you take your chances.

1. Every time you go to any store, buy toilet paper. I learned this when I was raising my two (or what seemed like 20) kids. Have at least two paper dispensers in every bathroom in your office.

2. Have a minimum of one bathroom for every three employees. You cannot have too many, even if patients must sit on a toilet for pretesting.

3. Realize that, no matter how many bathrooms you have, at least one will be out of service at any given time. Perhaps this would be the best one for pretesting.

4. Know a plumber. Love a plumber. Marry him if you must. My plumber did 45 minutes of work and then handed me a bill for $376. I told him I was a doctor and I didn’t make $376 for 45 minutes. He said, “When I was a doctor, neither did I.” (Cue rim shot.)

5. Learn how to fix things yourself. At least 99% of the world’s problems can be solved by a new flapper. Why can’t our elected
officials see that?

6. Have a bowl brush in every bathroom. Patients do not like to see you carrying a dripping brush up the hallway just prior to inserting their contact lenses.

7. Buy the good stuff. Patients will forgive you for misdiagnosing glaucoma long before they’ll forgive you for stocking your bathroom with cheap toilet paper.

8. No blue water. I will state that again: NO BLUE WATER! It reminds patients of their upcoming trip to the Bahamas and why they cannot afford to update their glasses. (This actually happened in my office.)

9. If a little boy has to go and wants to go by himself, use your time wisely while he is in there: Order a new floor and toilet, and plan to repaint.

10. I don’t know what to tell you about this, so I’ll ask this question for your wisdom: How does doodoo get on a ceiling fan? I await your reply.

11. When you figure out your quarterly overhead costs, be sure to include the total quarterly cost of air freshener. This should not be less than 15%.

12. If a staff member takes more than five minutes in the loo, confiscate his or her cell phone.

13. Put a sign in the washroom that says, “If you do not wash your hands, our security cameras will forward this room’s recordings to Facebook.”

14. Consider pay toilets for patients who buy their contacts online. No? OK, what about a one-sheet limit?

15. Before you leave the office, go to the bathroom so your kids don’t have to see you run up the stairs every time you walk in the front door.

16. Not following the advice of #15 (above) can cause a little fender bender on the way home, which will become a very major story that someone will someday tell at your funeral.

So, doctors, are you in? Do you have a handle on this? If so, you’re now flush with information!